Amerikali dedektif romanlari yazari Sue Taylor Grafton'in dogum yildonumu (24 Nisan 1940)
" Gecmisinde klasik muzik oldugundan Chopen, Liszt ve Bach dokuuluyordu parmaklarindan, hic caba gostermeden emprovizasyona geciveriyordu.
Birden durdu. Gozlerimi actim.
Yuzunde istirapli bir ifade vardi. Tuslara soyle bir dokundu. Gitti. Artîk yok. Uyusturucuyu birakinca muzik de kayboldu.'
Dogruldum. ' Ne diyorsun sen? '
' Soyledim ya. Bu yapmak zorunda oldugum bir secimdi. Uyusturucusuz yasayabilirim, ama muziksiz yasayamam. Yapim oyle degil benim. '
' Ama cok guzel caldin. '
' Sen ne bilirsin ki, Kinsey? Hicbir sey bildigin yok. O duydugun teknikti. Mekanik. Ruhum yok benim. Muzik yalnizca uyusturucu alip ucarken yaratilir. Bu bir hictir. Yari canli. Otekisi daha iyi... alev alev yanip da her seyi verdigimde. O zaman kendini tutamazsin. Ya hep ya hic. '
Vucudumun hareketsiz kaldigini hissediyordum. ' Ne diyorsun sen? ' Bunun aptalca bir soru oldugunu biliyordum.
Gozleri parladi, basparmagi ile isaret parmagini dudaklari yakininda saklatip havayi icine cekti. Esrarli bir sigara saracagi zaman yaptigi hareketti bu. Kolunun ic tarafina bakip yumrugunu SIKTI.
' Yapma ' dedim.
' Neden? '
' Olursun. '
Omuzlarini silkti. ' Neden istedigim gibi yasayamiyorum? Ben kotuyum. Bunu artik bilmen gerek. Keyif almak icin yapmayacagim sey yoktur... uyanik olmak icin. Yeniden uyusturucu alip ucmak istiyorum. Kendimi iyi hissetmek istiyorum. Sana uyusturucu almamanin nasil bir sey oldugunu soyleyeyim mi? Lanet bir sey, SIKINTI. Buna nasil dayandigimi anlamiyorum. Kendimi neden asmadigimi hic ama hic anlamiyorum. ' "
" His background was in classical piano, so he warmed up with Chopin, Liszt, the intricacies of Bach, drifting over into improvisation without effort.
Daniel stopped abruptly.
I opened my eyes and looked at him.
His expression was pained. He touched at the key-board carelessly, a sour chord. 't's gone. I don't have it anymore. I gave up drugs and the music went with 'em.'
I sat up. ' What are you talking about? '
' Just what I said. It was the choice I had to make, but it's all bullshit. I can live without drugs, babe, but not without music. I'm not made that way. '
' It sounded fine. It was beautiful. '
' What do you know, Kinsey? You don't know any-thing. That was all technique. Mechanics. I got no soul. The only time music works is when I'm burning with smack, flying. This is nothing. Half-life. The other is better . . . when I'm on fire like that and give it all away. You can't hold back. It's all or nothin. '
I could feel my body grow still. ' What are you saying? ' Dumb question. I knew.
His eyes glowed and he pinched his thumb and index finger together near his lips, sucking in air. It was the gesture he always used when he was about to roll a ****t. He looked down at the crook of his elbow and made a fist lovingly.
' Don't do that, ' I said.
' Why not? '
' It'll kill you. '
He shrugged. ' Why can't I live the way I want? I'm the devil. I'm bad. You should know that by now. There isn't anything I wouldn't do just for the hell of it ... just to stay awake. Fuck. I'd like to fly again, you know? I'd like to feel good. I'll tell you something about being straight . . . it's a goddamn drag. I don't know how you put up with it. I don't know how you keep from hangin' yourself. ' "
" ' Sen uzlasma diye bir sey duymadin mi? '
' Duydum, istediginin yarisini vermek demek. Hakkin olan seyin yarisini karsindakine vermek. Bunu cok yaptim. Berbat bir seydir. ' "
“ ' Haven’t you ever heard of compromise? '
' Oh sure,' I said. ' That’s when you give away half the things you want. That’s when you give the other guy half of what’s rightfully yours. I’ve done that lots of times. It sucks. ' ”



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